


Open The Window; It's Time For The Winds To Change

by mindlessfanatic



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Depression, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Existential Crisis, M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 19:39:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindlessfanatic/pseuds/mindlessfanatic
Summary: In which it's after the Interactive Introverts tour, and Dan expresses genuine regret about his YouTube career to Phil, much to his anger. This revelation catalyses a bunch of new, important decisions that will change everything.





	Open The Window; It's Time For The Winds To Change

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of writing Phanfiction based on canon doesn't sit very well with me, to be honest, but there's already so much of it out there so I guess I'm not really doing much harm. It goes without saying, but none of this is in any way a representation of reality - it's just the product of an idle mind and a vivid imagination.
> 
> Also yes, I am aware that the title sounds like a Fall Out Boy song.

It's four in the morning, and Dan can't sleep.

This isn't anything new to him - his bad feelings flare up and die down regularly. Over the years, he's learnt how to somewhat manage his depressive episodes, but this feels different. This time, there's a concrete reason why he's upset.

He'd had the time of his life over the past five months. He'd gotten to travel all over the world with his boyfriend Phil, performing Interactive Introverts, their stage show. And while that experience had reminded Dan of everything he loved about the life he and Phil had built together, it had also reminded him of everything he hated about this thing that he called a career.

The screaming, over-the-top fans. The cringe-worthy, on-brand jokes he kept repeating, night after night. And most importantly, the stark contrast between his YouTube persona and the real him - Dan Howell, a regular 27-year-old guy who really didn't appreciate how millions of people were trying to pry into his secret relationship with his boyfriend.

Over the past week, him and Phil had declared a "pajama week" to recover from tour, which essentially meant binge-watching anime, ordering ridiculous amounts of takeout, and having sex on the couch. Dan relished the time when he and Phil could just be two people who were in love, without constantly discussing their work and deadlines. Things were good, for now. But all the downtime had given Dan more time to entertain his disturbing thoughts that he had harboured for a long time but had never mentioned to anyone - not to Phil, not to his mom, not even to Jules, his therapist. Thoughts like how he really wouldn't mind if YouTube shut down tomorrow. Thoughts about quitting YouTube, thoughts about running away somewhere incognito to finally live his best life.

How could he possibly admit to these thoughts? It would be biting the hand that fed him. Not to mention ruin his entire life.

It's 4am, and everything's going fine. Dan has more money than most people his age could ever dream of, a healthy, stable relationship, and family and friends who love him. And yet it's 4am, and Dan has left his bed in favour of pacing around his lounge, ruminating over how much he dislikes the very thing that had given him everything good in his life.

The door creaks open slightly, and a cautious voice comes from behind it. "Dan? What's up?"

Phil. Of course, Dan thought. Phil might not be the best at reading Dan's emotions, but the floorboards creaking in the middle of the night were always a dead giveaway. 

"Nothing." Dan says, out of instinct.

Frowning, Phil comes into the lounge, squinting a little at the light. "Do you need me to call Jules?"

"Yeah Phil, wake up my fucking therapist at 4am, will you." Dan snaps, then instantly regrets it. He somehow always loses his cool when he's upset, no matter how much he tries to control it.

Phil ignores Dan's comment and sits down on the sofa, patting the seat next to him. "Tell me."

Normally, Dan found it easy to share his feelings with Phil. They'd established a routine for nights like this. Dan would ramble incoherently while Phil would listen, then Phil would turn on a random YouTube video to distract Dan from his bad thoughts, then they would cuddle, then Phil would get Dan a cup of hot chocolate or a sleeping pill, depending on how bad it was, and then he would take him upstairs to bed.

But tonight was different. Dan had promised himself years ago that he would never, ever tell Phil his true feelings about YouTube. He would deal with those feelings himself, until they died down enough for him to carry on. And if it meant that sometimes he cried alone in the shower without Phil's knowledge, then that was the way it was. It was far better than jeopardising Phil's happiness.

Because that was the difference between Dan and Phil. Even if Phil wasn't always the happy ball of sunshine he portrayed himself to be on YouTube, he was always content. He genuinely loved his life, and didn't want it any other way. But Dan was never happy with what he had. He had these sky-high expectations of himself and his life, and always felt like he wasn't doing enough, that he needed more to be happy. Comparing his outlook on life to Phil's always made him feel miserable.

Dan's shocked to find tears welling up in his eyes. This alarms Phil immediately. He straightens and moves tentatively towards Dan. He knows Dan hardly ever cries unless he's watching a sad movie or video.

"Dan." He says more urgently. "Tell me."

Dan feels all the heat rushing to his face as it dawns on him that he can't back out of this. Phil's looking increasingly worried by the second and he's not stupid, he'll know that Dan's lying if he summons up a vague answer like "I'm having just another existential crisis". He almost laughs at how tragically on-brand that response would be.

"Dan."

Dan squeezes his eyes shut, letting a few tears trickle out. This wasn't how he wanted things to be. He didn't want to be the one who fucked their careers and thier relationship up. He could see it all now, a whirlwind of million-subscriber milestones and book tours and stage shows and radio presenting and everything ending just like that, at 4am in a lounge in an expensive London duplex. He couldn't do that to Phil. And yet, he was being backed into a corner. And he was at his most vulnerable, he had no other option...

"Dan?"

"I fucking hate YouTube" Dan choked out.

His eyes fly open, searching Phil's face. Phil blinks, startled. "What?"

"I fucking hate YouTube" Dan repeats. "I've hated it for years, and I can't do it anymore."

"What the fuck are you on about?" Phil sputters, visibly trying to restrain himself but failing.

Dan starts to cry again. "Fuck, Phil, I can't make a video without thinking about how shallow and fucking meaningless all this content is. And the fans, all they care about is whether we're secretly kissing or fucking and without that we'd be nothing, Phil, nothing. And even though I've rebranded I can't seem to shake off that stupid danisnotonfire persona and I hate it so much, Phil, I hate it so fucking much and I just can't..."

"Okay, okay" Phil exhales sharply, taking Dan's hands in his, trying to calm him down. "You're upset, it's late, how about we talk about this tomorrow when you can think more clearly..."

"I AM THINKING CLEARLY PHIL!" Dan screams suddenly, wrenching his hands away from Phil's. "You of all people shouldn't be invalidating my feelings! I've been feeling like this for years, clear as day..."

"WELL THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!" Phil yells back. "How was I supposed to know you were unhappy? What do you want us to do now, delete our channels and disappear?"

Seeing Phil angry at him hardly ever happens, but it always makes Dan feel even worse about himself. He backtracks immediately. "No, no, no, you're right, we can't do that, you continue doing YouTube, forget I ever said anything, I'll just go die in a hole somewhere..."

"Stop." Phil says, mellowing as he sees Dan so distraught. He reaches for Dan's hand but retracts it as Dan flinches. They sit like that for a few minutes, Dan's violent sobs the only thing breaking the silence.

"If you want to break up with me, I understand" Dan says eventually.

"Is that what you think our relationship is like? That we're just going to give up just because both of us want different things?" Phil looks at once pained and angry. He sighs. "YouTube isn't the foundation of our entire fucking relationship, Dan."

Dan nods, chewing on his lip. They fall into silence again.

"I guess there's only one clear solution. If you're quitting YouTube I have to give it up too." Phil says resignedly.

Dan's eyes widen as he stares at Phil. He starts to shake his head vigorously. "No, no, no! This is exactly what I wanted to avoid by not telling you. I can't take away what makes you happy, that's not fair, I could never forgive myself..."

"If you've spent all these years doing YouTube just to make me happy, it's only fair that I do the same for you." Phil says simply. "We're a double act, Dan, we can't just split up and do our own thing."

Dan's silent for a moment. Trust Phil to always say something completely rational, he thinks. 

"I just want you to be happy, Dan." Phil whispers.

Dan shakes his head. "I can't believe it's all just ending."

"Neither can I." Phil smiles sadly. "Not the way I imagined, I must admit. But I guess we both knew we couldn't do YouTube forever. And even if danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil are dead, Dan and Phil will always be a thing."

Phil extends his arms out to Dan, and this time, Dan moves slowly into them. Drained, he wraps his arms around Phil and rests his head on his shoulder. His head is a whirl, and he's still having trouble fully processing what's just happened. But somehow, he feels an ever so slight buzz of excitement about this new chapter in his and Phil's life. He's sure that tomorrow, he'll experience a million waves of guilt and uncertainty, mixed with anticipation about all the things he can do with his new life. But for now, he remains in Phil's warm embrace, a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.


End file.
